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Entry tags:
there's no way you can save it now
Who: Taro Watanabe and Jaune Arc
When: July 30 after this conversation
Where: Jaune's house
What: Taro made himself sad. Hopefully a friend will help cheer him up.
Taro... tends to keep up his happy mask. He tends to try to keep making sure that other people are okay, rather than take care of himself. And what does it matter anyway? He's dead now, so who cares? He tries to pull back from the the thought as much as he can, but it still pesters him, like a hangnail he can't quite clip.
Not that he usually has to deal with those, since his form is an illusion, but now it's not and it's very frustrating.
He heads over towards Jaune's place, trying to slip back into Kei's mindset - similar to his, but utterly human and utterly unworried about death other than it being the time he can't do cool stuff anymore. It sort of helps, so he keeps the smile on his face as he knocks on the door.
"Hey, John?" Not like 'Jaune' sounds much different, but he's not sure who's going to answer.
When: July 30 after this conversation
Where: Jaune's house
What: Taro made himself sad. Hopefully a friend will help cheer him up.
Taro... tends to keep up his happy mask. He tends to try to keep making sure that other people are okay, rather than take care of himself. And what does it matter anyway? He's dead now, so who cares? He tries to pull back from the the thought as much as he can, but it still pesters him, like a hangnail he can't quite clip.
Not that he usually has to deal with those, since his form is an illusion, but now it's not and it's very frustrating.
He heads over towards Jaune's place, trying to slip back into Kei's mindset - similar to his, but utterly human and utterly unworried about death other than it being the time he can't do cool stuff anymore. It sort of helps, so he keeps the smile on his face as he knocks on the door.
"Hey, John?" Not like 'Jaune' sounds much different, but he's not sure who's going to answer.
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Because why would they put people - really, why would they put kids - in a school to train them for that if it wasn't a bad situation? Kids aren't police, or military, and they shouldn't have to fight if they don't really need to. So the situation must be dire enough...
Still, the latter comment gets him to smile. "... Leaders aren't always about physical skills. Even in something like that... I've seen plenty of leaders in the Underground come and go. Some of them are chosen on might, some are chosen on policy, and some are chosen on heart. So whoever picked you definitely made a good choice. A leader's got to care - and you care a lot."
He points his thumb at himself, grinning. "Hell, I helped set up my branch and I've avoided taking a leadership role for a reason. I care about people, yeah, but I don't think I could deal with caring about them for a full time job. You're a stronger guy than I am, and you're... what, a tenth of my age or something? So you're already a better guy than I am in some ways. And don't say 'oh, but you're a good person'. I know. But I also accept that I'm shitty when it comes to some things. That's part of knowing yourself. You'll understand that when you're older."
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Taro's words do make him feel a little better -- his teammates and friends had often said similar things -- but there's something about Taro saying it that makes it stick in a different way. True, he still doubted himself sometimes, but even he had to admit he'd come a long way from the kid who got himself stuck in trees and thrown around by monsters on a regular basis. He smiles, "Thanks...and while I believe you when you say you're that much older -- sometimes it's really hard to take that part seriously." He knew the humanoid form before him was more or less an illusion or...something, but that didn't make it any less of a truth to some degree.
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Kei had been similar, which makes it easier to accept that maybe that was his version here... but the kid was rebelling, not celebrating. There's a key difference there. "I'd rather laugh than cry, and I'd rather be around people than be alone. Tanuki... there's supposedly some that have lived away from humans, but I'm not sure how possible that is nowadays. I ended up... shit, like five thousand miles away from where I first appeared? More than that, probably. But I fit in with other people. I don't... I have an attachment to this body and face because I've worn it so long, but it's not 'me'. I don't spend much time in my real form, but... it's still what I really am. I can pretend to be human, but I'm not."
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As soon as he asked the question he felt like it was a bad move, like maybe that was going a step too far.
"Sorry...I was just thinking of something else. You don't have to answer that."
cw: world war ii
"One of the memories that came back before everything else did... there was a war, and the country we had moved to got involved. The family that I had run away from... they, like everyone else from that country who had moved there, were rounded up and put in... custody. Because they could be spies, or... some reason. It doesn't matter. It's complicated to explain all the reasons on all sides, and it doesn't matter."
It's stupid. It's stupid and ugly and it's one of the reasons he hates politics, even in the Underground. "But I had already run away from them. I hid. And... when I went looking for them after the war, they... had died in that camp. ... I never even got to say goodbye. So yeah. I have nightmares, of the family I was with just... dying alone, in pain. Without me to help comfort them. To help find them food or health care or... I would have outlived them anyway, but I wouldn't have abandoned them."
Taro reaches up and wipes his face, trying to keep his emotions in check. "... I know it's good to get stuff out there. But I... it's hard sometimes. And... and I want you to know you can be honest with me, too."
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"I know," he hesitates, but decides that if his friend can share this information, his own life story won't hurt, "...before all of this I lost someone dear to me. My friends were always trying to get me to talk about it, but it just didn't feel right. Now...now I feel like it would help if I did, but I don't even know if it matters any more. I think that's why I have been having nightmares about her...I'm the only one here that knows anything about where I'm from and what happened. I had to live through it all again..." As he talked, he couldn't help but think of Pyrrha--the girl he'd loved and lost. Jaune felt tears on his face again, he didn't have the experience to keep his emotions in check.
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"One of the last memories I have from my other life is going on a quest with some friends to find answers for the murder of a friend of mine...but now I may never get those answers."
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"I hope so...I really do," he takes another breath, "But...I guess we have this place to figure out first."
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